Stability
by Iolana Khenemet
Summary: Jadzia after invasive procedures.


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Stability

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By Iolana Khenemet

  
Feedback: constructive crit highly welcome   
Disclaimer: Star Trek is the creation of Gene Roddenberry. The characters in the story are the property of Gene Roddenberry and Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement intended. No profit is gained by this work.   
Copyright: October 2003   
A/N: set after Invasive procedures. Story is being redrafted currently 

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When Jadzia opened her eyes again, a beaming Dr. Julian Bashir greeted her sight.

"That was the last test," he said with relief clearly visible on his face. The last days had been hell for both of them. 

"And?" she asked.

"Everything is all right, Jadzia. You look the very picture of health again. You can resume your duties now." 

Jadzia swung her legs off the biobed and rose.

"However," Julian gave her an admonishing look, "You should still take things easy for the next days." 

With a reassuring smile, Jadzia said, "Of course Julian," and left the room.

"Thank God, she is fine." His uttered remark, clearly no longer meant for her ears, escaped the room just as the doors shut behind her. 

Yes, thanks indeed. A couple of times Julian had almost lost her. He would have blamed himself, as he had been the one forced to remove Dax from her body. Jadzia gave a wry smile. She was lucky to be able to muse about his feelings.

Dax sighed. Everything was fine again. She would go to Ben and have…It hit her ice-cold. No. Everything was not all right. Her feelings were chaotic. "My God, I let him down!" She exclaimed appalled. Jadzia tried to calm down. She only needed some peace. Her shift did not begin until six hours and so she set off to the Holosuite. 

She sat down cross-legged. "Computer, start the game for player 1." The computer generated sphere appeared. It displayed a wild chaos of colours. Jadzia Dax concentrated. But the colours did not calm to Jadzia's usual level. She tried to concentrate more strongly. It accomplished nothing. Her fingers were damp and she wiped them on her pants.

"Damn it, I should have practiced with my Bat'leth after all!" she exclaimed. "Instead I sit around here and turn thumps! That is…"Jadzia interrupted herself and breathed deeply. She had not got so upset for a long time and not out of so trivial reasons at all. Calm down. That is only because our reunification is not entirely completed yet. In a few hours, at the latest tomorrow morning, all will be again as it was. 

She changed position and tried again. But repeatedly the events of the last days forced themselves into the foreground of her thoughts whether she wanted or not. Jadzia closed her eyes. She no longer concentrated on the sphere, but turned her thoughts inward. There was this void and death… Barely noticing it, she had put her hand on her belly, where Dax again was now. She also clearly remembered the events outside of sickbay, everything Dax had experienced separated from her, oh God, separated…:

Jadzia Dax understood now completely why hosts had to be selected so carefully. Dax rejoiced to be united again with Jadzia. 'One again.' Dax whispered and sighed. The Dax-half was entirely balanced again, but the Jadzia-half…

The past days had left her with horror. When she decided to hand over Dax to Verad, she knew about the consequences. If her friends and colleagues did not succeed to overpower Verad Dax, she would die. The Dax-part had witnessed the death of each one the trill hosts and therefore Jadzia knew. But to experience it, to feel how one dies and that alone, so alone, without Dax being there; no, that was something entirely different. 

She respected and feared death as much as all beings, but in that moment, she would have welcomed it. Everything was better than this loneliness and pain. One had cut her through in the middle, had torn up her person and left only a worthless remainder…

Jadzia Dax breathed deeply and slowly calmed. 'It is over,' she thought, 'you have overcome it.' In a way she had learned something. She knew now how it would be if she died one day. 'But I live!' she thought. 'Life is what matters, not death!' 

She was still a bit unsteady because their reunification was not yet entirely accomplished, but soon she would regain her mental balance.

'Yes,' she thought, 'I am Dax...Jadzia…Jadzia Dax.' 

When she opened her eyes and looked at the sphere, the colours had calmed at Jadzia's accustomed level.

-fin- 


End file.
